Negotiating is hard, and it’s even harder when there is something you reallywant. The stakes are higher, and you may not know how to get the upper hand. Negotiating takes skill, it's something that a person needs to hone over time through practice, so they can carefully judge when to swoop in for a win and when to hold back. It’s a delicate, instinctual art. But it can definitely be learned.
According to Chris Voss (former FBI crisis negotiator, and founder and CEO of the Black Swan Group), the key to mastering the art of negotiation is empathy. Specifically, it is making the other person empathize with you.
By making someone look at things from your point of view, they have to see what position they’re putting you in. All it takes is one golden question, “How am I supposed to do that?”
As Voss states, these could be the most important seven words you ever say in a negotiation. This is going to throw the ball in your opponent’s court. They will call the next shot -- while subconsciously seeing the situation from your side of the argument. It's sly genius. They have to understand what you’re thinking, and ask themselves if you can actually reasonably do what they expect of you. If they can’t come up with an answer or the answer is ‘I don’t know’ - even better. It highlights their unreasonable request, and gives you the chance to speak and gain valuable ground.
This question also gives your negotiating opponent the illusion of control. Many times, especially dealing with employers, people have the need to be in absolute control. Without the Boss in Charge feeling, they will focus on getting the upper hand, which can make them difficult and stubborn. So instead, give them control by appearing submissive, and asking a question that defers to them for wisdom on how you are supposed to do said thing. It’s a very simple strategy to get people to see multiple points of view, and force them to empathize with who they are negotiating. Once they empathize, it’s harder to ignore your requests.
Chris Voss's book is Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It.
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